It took a lot for me to write again. I kept wanting to, but I never felt like I had the energy, and as I predicted, not many people read my first post anyway. But I felt like it today. I know that part of what keeps me from posting is this inherent fear that by posting anything, by even having a blog, I am being extremely self-indulgent. That comes from my ex-wife. I don't know if it's true. I enjoy writing, but I don't enjoy being depressed. I enjoy hearing from people, but I don't enjoy hearing trite comments about how I'll meet someone when I'm not looking and that there's someone for everyone when clearly there's not. But I was thinking about this for a while, thinking about what was the point of even writing this blog, and I came up with a reason... something which seems feasible or at least possible. This is why I changed the name of my blog. Originally it was called "Memoirs of a Depressed, Lonely, Sad Guy", or something along those lines, but now I'm simply calling it, "Never Alone But Always Alone" because I realized that this perfectly describes how I feel. I am never more lonely than when I'm alone in a crowd, and it seems lately like there are always crowds around, full of people who are happy and together, and who basically aren't me. And I realized that there MUST be lots of other people who feel the same way; who have never felt like they fit in, or felt they did, but then had it demonstrated to them that they didn't. I wanted them to join me here in the blog. I can't help them to fit in any more than they can help me, but I thought it might be better for all of us to join together in our misery. So, to all of my friends or anyone else who reads this blog, if you think you know someone who feels like they are always the odd one out, please send them this way. Maybe this experiment will end in epic failure, but I want to try anyway. I know it probably sounds like I'm hoping some lonely girl will contact me and I'll have a girlfriend, but that's not what I'm doing this for. I've always wanted to try to do something more important, or something that has just a little more meaning. I don't know if there is anything I can do at all, but what the hell? I can try and if it doesn't go anywhere, it doesn't really do anything more to me.
On the other front, I was rejected by another girl yesterday. Some girl on a dating site. She said through one of those stupid "like" buttons that she liked me, so I sent her a message. We talked for a little bit, and then she said she wasn't interested. I don't understand why she said she liked me then. Is the function of the like button on a dating site really that hard to understand? I tried not to be upset about it, but that didn't work so well. There was another girl I've been talking to for a few months, who even said she wanted to go out on a date with me. Tonight she told me she's going on a date with someone, and she's been seeing him on and off for years. Nice. About five girls sent me virtual "flirts" on another dating site and when I sent them messages saying hello and starting a conversation, they all disappeared. I have to stop writing now.
No one can resist an underdog. They're our favorite champions. None of us can resist the rags to riches story or the farm boy turned hero. The reason why is because, in more ways than one, we all are underdogs. It resonates with us on a primal level. Its really easy for an underdog to feel weak, marginalized, persecuted, undesirable and inadequate. In the for of these stresses, to also turn to depression, loneliness and sadness. It is a common struggle for which we all can find a bonding. A common familiarity. And yet our frailties, challenges and shortcomings are the essence of our likableness. Not our powers, strengths, blinding intellectual prowess or other awsomenesses. THOSE qualities are what frighten and intimidate, marginalize others beneath a vain superiority complex, and generally repel. Its an odd truth, but a truth nonetheless as I have repeatedly observed it. Our backwards society would just as soon glorify youth in all of its vanity and destructiveness and put down wisdom, which can only arise through pain and passing of years. We honor and even worship the fast and the strong and the pig-headed, yet throng to the side of the underdog whenever given the opportunity. NEVER should we allow that which makes us who we are to be defined as undesirable. The downward, self-perpetuating spiral that comes from sharing what we see in the mirror with the rest of the world always, without exception, leads to decay and ultimately destruction. In other words, e should never be the judge of how cool or uncool we are. The world will inevitable judge us less harsh that we will judge ourselves. If I let the world know before I arrive, through various means, how stupid I feel, or how ugly I think I am, they will no-doubt treat me exactly as I would expect. In the end, LOVE is the only thing that breaks the cycle. Not arrogance or money or accomplishments or hypocrisy. The patience to let the underdogs be underdogs and to number yourself with the crowd. The kindness to allow your shortcomings to blossom into your most desirable traits. And the generosity to be positive long enough for your personality to grow into a light that shines in the darkness.
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